MEMO
TO: Floor traders
FROM: NYSE Group, Inc. Communications Team
RE: Body language/facial expressions during Big Board free falls
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Gentlemen,
As you all know, these are difficult times for Money. And when Money is hurting, America turns to Wall Street to gauge just how much.
That’s where you come in.
When Money is screeching in pain, as it has been in recent weeks, banging its little green fist on the floor for mercy and bleeding zeroes from every orifice - people around the world want to put a face on that anguish.
As part of your audition to become a floor trader, you sat on a stage and gave us your best “Oh, dear God” reaction to an 800-point Dow nosedive. You were subsequently trained in proper eyebrow fluctuation, sunken shoulder dejection and, of course the bottom-has-fallen-out knee-drop.
It’s only a matter of time until the electronic markets swallow your job. The one thing keeping you employed at the moment is your humanity - so show a little of it. We can’t imagine that you’d need motivation these days, but if you’re having trouble summoning the proper and necessary horror, just imagine you’re a Cubs fan.
A quick refresher for sessions when consumer confidence is at an all-time low, monthly retail sales numbers are in the toilet, housing starts are at 19th century levels and hobos have begun to burn the Beige Book’s pages in a big steel drum to keep warm:
- Dig the palms of your hands into your eye sockets. Hard. You are weary.
- Fold your left hand into your right armpit. Put your ID badge or the tip of a pen into your mouth with your right hand and look down at a monitor. You are concerned.
- Exhale in an exaggerated, exasperated breath with lips pursed. Your are flummoxed.
- Look up at the board with both arms in the air - like you’re Willem Dafoe getting shot in “Platoon.” You are desperate.
- Place both hands behind your head and look up at the board/God. You are resigned.
- Put both arms in your lap and your head down on a keyboard. You are napping.
Think about what floor trader Michael Rutigliano told the Associated Press recently. Mike said when he steps on the NYSE floor, it feels “like walking on to the field of the Yankee Stadium of the business world, complete with lights, referees, uniforms, hand signals, and scoreboards. There’s a palpable energy, a sense you entered the premier business arena in the world.”
Use that, people. Remember - the world is watching. No one wants to see Money wounded and weak. But when Money is wounded and weak, America wants to see that sense of catastrophe in the rutted brow, the contorted death mask, the boozy tear drop.
Hey - let’s be expressive out there.
