The King Did Not Hang

Terl is angry at Jonnie Goodboy Tyler.

“Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000″ (2000) written by J.D. Shapiro and Corey Mandell. Based on the novel by L. Ron Hubbard. Directed by Roger Christian.

Starring John Travolta as TERL - fresh off well-regarded performances in “A Civil Action” and “Primary Colors.” Seven years before “Wild Hogs,” nine years before “Old Dogs” and 11 years before “Wild Hogs 2: Bachelor Ride.”

Starring Forest Whitaker as KER. Yep. Long after “The Crying Game” but long before “Last King of Scotland.” Oh, Forest. Why?

Starring Barry Pepper - only two years after “Saving Private Ryan” - as the earthling hero, JONNIE GOODBOY TYLER.

Starring Michael MacRae in a star-making, scene-stealing cameo as DISTRICT MANAGER ZETE. Veteran of motorized 70s/80s TV dramedy like “Starsky & Hutch,” “The Dukes of Hazzard,” “Knight Rider,” “C.H.I.P.S.,” and “Hardcastle and McCormick.” Yes.

Starring Shaun Austin-Olsen as PLANETSHIP, chief bureaucrat and Psychlo functionary of the goldmine where TERL is head of security. In 2008, Austin-Olsen played First Counsellor in “Magic Flute Diaries.”

About the behind-the-scenes creators:

Director Roger Christian won a set decoration Oscar for “Star Wars” in 1977. Interestingly, in his official bio, Christian lists, among other directing work, commercials for Chrysler and Taco Bell before mentioning “Battlefield Earth.”

Corey Mandell now teaches film writing - correct - at the UCLA Extension Writer’s Program. He says his classes there “explore the essential elements of successful premises, flexible story structure, and deeper and more realistic characterizations.”

His co-writer, J.D. Shapiro calls himself a stand-up comic. His writing credits, pre-B.E. (B.B.E.?) included “Robin Hood: Men in Tights.” Post-B.E. (A.B.E.?), Shapiro is credited with two films: 2008’s “X-Treme Biography: Santa” and “Knights of the Not-So-Round Table: The Lost Tapes of 524 AD.”

***

The following words scroll up the screen - ala “Star Wars” - at the beginning of the movie:

IT IS THE YEAR 3000 AD

EARTH, ONCE MANKIND’S HOME, HAS BEEN RULED FOR THE PAST 1000 YEARS BY A CRUEL ALIEN RACE FROM THE PLANET PSYCHLO.

AS THEY HAVE DONE ON COUNTLESS OTHER PLANETS ACROSS THE GALAXIES, THE PSYCHLOS MINE EARTH’S METALS AND TELEPORT THEM BACK TO THEIR HOME PLANET.

GOLD IS THE RAREST AND MOST VALUABLE METAL OF ALL.

THE DWINDLING HUMAN POPULATION IS RIGHTING TO STAY ALIVE. HIDING IN POCKETS, IN RADIATED AREAS, THEY ARE ON THE VERGE OF EXTINCTION.

***

BAD SCENE 1

In the following scene, JONNIE GOODBOY TYLER, along with a handful of other humans, has been captured and brought to a gold mine run by the Psychlos. As they exit the slaveship, JONNIE GOODBOY TYLER shoots a Psychlo guard and escapes. But he runs right into the large paws of TERL, the mine’s security chief, who lifts JONNIE GOODBOY TYLER by the neck, eager to find out which of his guards let the human escape.

Scene…

TERL: Who is responsible for allowing this man-animal to run around unsupervised?

GUARD: The man-animal shot Durango, sir

TERL: I’m a little pressed for time. Why don’t you save the going-away jokes for later. (throws JONNIE GOODBOY TYLER to the ground.)

GUARD: It’s not joke, sir, I swear. The man-animal somehow got ahold of this gun (shows gun).

TERL: Really? Show me.

GUARD: Sir?

(TERL grabs gun from guard. Gives it to JONNIE GOODBOY TYLER.)

TERL (To GUARD): Reach for the gun.

GUARD: But sir, I might get shot.

TERL: Sure you might. And I might suddenly grow a third arm.

GUARD: But sir I swear it shot the wrangler.

TERL: The report filed today still has my name on it. And you are out of your skull-bone if you think that I’m going to write on the report: “Shot by man-animal” as the cause of death, unless I see it.

GUARD: If I obey your command, I may get killed.

TERL: And if you don’t, it’s a certainty that you will be killed. (beat) Reach for the gun.

(GUARD reaches for the gun, and JONNIE GOODBOY TYLER shoots him.)

TERL: Well. I’ll be damned. (Begins maniacal laughter.)

…and, Scene.

***

BAD SCENE 2

In the following scene TERL, a graduate of Psychlo’s prestigious military university, expects to hear from DISTRICT MANAGER ZETE that he’s being promoted and can return to his home planet.

Scene…

(DISTRICT MANAGER ZETE is teleported onto earth from Psychlon).

TERL: It is a pleasure to see you, Your Excellency. I would be honored to expedite your clearance through security.

ZETE: Please, call me Zete. Does all of Earth look like this?

TERL: Oh, I’m afraid so, sir.

ZETE: Pathetic. All the green, and the blue sky. They told me this planet is ugly, but this has got to be one of the ugliest crapholes in the entire universe.

TERL: I couldn’t agree more.

ZETE: I hate these puny, undersized planets. The gravity is so…different.

TERL: Well, one does get used to it.

ZETE: The human animals, grossly undersized.

KER: They don’t make very good eating, Your Excellency.

TERL: Ah, yes. My executive assistant, Ker.

KER: Thank you.

TERL: He has been fully trained to replace me as Chief of Security. As soon as my transfer goes through.

ZETE: Well, Ker. Once we finish mining out this miserable, little planet, let’s do the universe a favor. Let’s exterminate the lot of them.

TERL: (Maniacle laughter) Oh, you’re too much.

ZETE: So they tell me.

TERL: Please, come this way.

(The group repairs to a conference room)

PLANETSHIP: I am honored by your vist, Your Excellency

ZETE: Thank you, Planetship. You’ll be pleased to know, that I’ve approved additional labor resources. I’ll have them sent here by the end of quarter-cycle.

PLANETSHIP: Thank you, Your Excellency.

ZETE: What else? (to TERL) Oh, your long, overdue transfer. You must be looking forward to getting off this disgusting excuse for a planet.

TERL: I just want to do what serves the Corporation best, sir.

ZETE: Admirable. And, I must say, you’ve done a first-rate job here as Interim Security Chief. (Applause and “here, here”s.)

TERL: I do what I can.

ZETE: Which is why we’ve decided to keep you on for another tour of service.

(pause)

TERL: There must be some mistake.

ZETE: Home Office does not make mistakes.

TERL: Of course not. But have you looked at my file, sir? It explicitly says that this is a temporary assignment. Yes. Are you not aware, that I graduated (said with a flourish) top of my class?

ZETE: Quite an accomplishment.

TERL: I don’t mean to second-guess the Home Office, but surely I could better serve the corporation…

ZETE: Home Office is well aware of your academic achievements, and obvious talents. That’s why we’ve decided not to keep you here for another five cycles.

TERL: (Maniacal laughter) Oh, thank you, sir. I don’t know if I could have kept my sanity being here another five cycles.

ZETE: We’ve decided to keep you here for another fifty cycles! With endless options for renewal (echoes 3 times - endless options for renewal, endless options for renewal, endless options for renewal -  followed by maniacal laughter.) Those options, of course, being at Home Office’s discretion, not yours. The Senator has a lot of friends.

MINUTES LATER - TERL AND GUARDS ESCORT ZETE FROM THE BUILDING

TERL: Please tell the senator, that if I had even an inkling that that was his daughter…

ZETE: Watch your tongue. (pause). The Senator’s exact words to me were - and I’m quoting - “If that blasted Terl tries to talk his way out of it, have him vaporized on the spot. But cheer up. There’s one bright side to this. One day, you’re going to die. And when you end up in hell, at least it will be a step up from this place. (Maniacal laughter.)

…and, Scene.

***

BAD SCENE 3

Out near the mines, TERL’s ship has landed, and after a struggle, he’s outnumbered by man-animals - JONNIE GOODBOY TYLER’S crew, and a group from the woods that has joined them. JONNIE GOODBOY TYLER manages to grab TERL’S gun and points it at TERL, who is on the ground. In this scene, JONNIE GOODBOY TYLER has learned the Psychlo language, and believes he knows how what’s left of the human race can rid themselves of the Psychlos forever. But when the group gets an unexpected chance to kill TERL, he must convince them that his long-term plan is better than easy revenge.

Scene…

ROBERT THE FOX: Let’s give this demon what he deserves.

Cheers from the group…yeah, yeah.

CARLO: Kill it, kill it. Kill it, then we’ll run.

JONNIE: Then what? What kind of life is it to run? Always living in fear of being hunted. What about the others we’re leaving behind? What about them?

CARLO: There’s nothing, nothing we can do for them. Only the gods can free them.

JONNIE: Ohhh. You think the lights in the night sky are gods waiting to come down and save us? Do you? Those are planets. Planets like this one. The great villages were built by our people. By millions of men and women just like us. Willing to fight to the death for one thing about all else. Their freedom.

OLD GUY IN THE CROWD: Do you think no one has tried? You can’t defeat them. (echoes 3times - You can’t defeat them, You can’t defeat them, You can’t defeat them.)

JONNIE: Yes we can. Yes we can. But we have to go back. We go back and learn about their weapons and their machinery. Our race is slowly dying, and will soon be gone forever. Let it be said that we took this one chance…AND FOUGHT!!! Are you with me? ARE YOU WITH ME???!!!!!

CROWD: YES! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT!

ROBERT THE FOX: If you’re fighting the beast, me and my men are with you.

JONNIE: Thank you. It’s good to have friends out here.

ROBERT THE FOX: May the gods be with you.

(With whoops and shouts, they return to the woods.)

…and, Scene.